motherhood

Best Days Ever

My oldest sons – my other children are out here for a bit over a month ! I am so excited, I missed them like crazy.

They are my men my babies minus the babies I have lol. We went to Barnes and Nobles today and bought Habitat for Humanity, we have been playing Apples for Apples 🍎. Which is fun as hell as well. So do you ever just play board games. Family fun night ever ? Movie or music in in background. Everyone laughing and having a blast ❤️. Habitat for Humanity is fun to play with my 16.5 year old and 18 year old sons and my significant other.

Well I am off to where ever it is I go now. Have a great night and thanks for listening to the ramblings !

aniexty

What’s Up

Today was a good day, kids were a little hectic … might be a full moon ? My hubby took FMLA so that I could rest up a bit horrid headache and not being able to sleep is killing me. Or dragging me down pretty low. My anxiety with all these riots and hate being spread like wildfire, is through the roof. I cannot even think past this most the time. Maybe some clonazepam’s and a beer and I will stop thinking later. Anxiety meds rock.

I have been lucky to have some help with the anxiety and what depression it brings. Those are both serious diseases, that all people should seek help for. I have dealt with anxiety since the death of my mother. I pass out sometimes it gets so bad. Concussion 1 and concussion 2 and 3. Panic attacks, ugh . One time I cut my head pretty good. Reason 1 and many more that you should seek help with disorders mental or not.

I have started tracking things , such has habits , sleep, food , weed smoking, fountain sodas. Trying to quit sodas, slowly scaling back. I suck at sleep – I get 1.5 hours out – then 2 -3 hours awake. Anyone have these problems ? Solutions PLEASE post in comments I truly appreciate it 🙂 Weed smoking – I need to make sure Indica only and only as needed. I was smoking a bit more than needed I am sure. Don’t need to make it a habit, just a cure. Food : funny thing , I fix it everyday more than once a day too. I make it for my kids, getting them eating then I clean up. I never eat myself. I am making a habit tracker to keep me eating : broke it down by veggies meat milk products. Last but not least books – I love to read. I read as much as I can.

I also started doing these visuals on YOUTUBE , binaural beats. Look them up. Graphics pictures are soothing and mesmerizing, and the music is the best to relax too. I wish that I could get meditation down. Practice makes perfect right ? I will keep it going. Any good meditations that I can follow please post in comments !

motherhood

Good Evening

How is everyone doing ? Excited for the bans to be lifted ? Ready to go back into public – spend money – eat out ? Maybe catch a deadly disease ? I am still a bit worried not sure about you guys . I have my oldest boys flying out to see me in a few days for a month. I cannot be more excited for this trip/visit !!

Took some time to my self today about 20 minutes and went to the backyard and took some snaps of the mountains. I miss them , I need a climb/hike

Pikes Peak – Colorado Springs

aniexty

PTSD

It can happen to anyone. Soldiers that get mad and think civilians can’t ….. well I have seen more death on hand than a lot of soldiers. Not random people either that I don’t know. My loves my mom, my family.

I spent the last week on a “vacation”. I have horrid PTSD, I have some major life problems out of my control. That’s it I can not control it. The out of my control, is horrid. I have always usually had control most what of what happens in life. I mean yeah I don’t control others, but I am use to a scheduled life, family being loving. So yeah major shock.

PTSD :

My vacation has taught me that people just can’t change sometimes or don’t want to. Which I understand that. I didn’t realize that I had to either for a bit. I have learned to choose my battles and to realize I don’t have control or I do.

motherhood

The more you know

Did you know that the human brain does this ? Blocks and binds receptors to make chemicals make your brain needs. Learning about meds and the chemicals in your brain. It’s interesting I will say that confusing. I am currently learning taking switching meds lol. My brain is broken and I need help creating these chemicals. Anyhow you should google your brain in some free time. Interesting what is cannot and can do. What it can recreate, how it can retrain itself. So much.

motherhood

Worthy

I feel most humans need that contact with other humans. I use to crave being away from other humans , I can’t stand all the different ways of being “you”. I distanced myself because I take friendship dear. I am a strange person as well lol. You know you are reading my blog 🤷‍♀️ Seriously though, I am complicated if you don’t like me or know me I am hard to take and still understand. I am worthy of the tolerance you allow though.

Sometimes though you just “fallout”. Even with love and relationships. Currently I love who I am with no one else I love currently, just him. I am though no where near in love with him. Couldn’t even imagine it. I think. Weird realization time. It is what it is. Life is that. You love you hurt you move on.

I am a mom first and foremost that’s always my problem. I should be me, but I am not. I can recognize that fact and most cannot so thumbs up for me. Any others that can see that too. One day it will be me. I have a 2 & 3 year old be a long time lol !

The Covid has brought a lot of time for people to think and get to know themselves and whom they live with. Families become tighter or harder at heart. Big difference spending 24/7 together running hear and doing this and that ….. than spending 24/7 together doing 100% together 24/7.

Makes ya think ….. uh ?

You are welcome.

Anyways that’s my odd thinking of tonight. Enjoy your dreams or days that’s about to begin off to watch some crazy show to give Rene crazy dreams and spawn other odd ramblings of my overanxiousmimd .