motherhood

Never look down upon anyone

YOU ARE HELPING THEM UP ……

I heard these words once and they stuck to me like the slugs in your porch you step on in a Florida bay morning.

I always thought we all were here to help one another. I was taught racism or to look down. I was taught that I wasn’t that important and always should help others. Do unto others …. “ well that did not do much for me.

When I was 17 , I was standing as a adult in my mother’s home holding my not even one year old child in my arms. My mother told me the only person in my life to ever love me died.

My great grandmother was all I knew, all I had. She was gone. The only person I knew that loved me, that wanted to be around me. My great grandma never handcuffed me to the stairs or locked me out side for days. She taught me to cook, to see , to crotchet , she taught me of thing there was called love. I never knew what that was …. I know you question me at this point….. how do I not understand feelings. If you spend your life handcuffed to the middle stair case railing or the basement railing, yelled at for what ever reasons. My great grandmother stood up to my mom , she told my mom that I was to be loved that I was a child. I never understood or thought much of those words till I became older. I honestly thought my house was normal , I never remember going to play or having anyone over. I don’t have birthdays.

My great great grandmother was a American my great great grandfather came to America to visit and fell in love she was one of the few to survive the trek across OK in 1834. She went back to Germany with him and created a family. That came here when I was born.

The ruin of mother’s happiness ended as well the day I was born. I was a object, not a child or baby or human. I was a object my mother used for her own.

I will never be more.

That day I am not sure why but my mom told me in one breath my great grandmother died and the next breath punched me so hard that she knocked me and my daughter I was holding onto the Hutch and split my forehead open.

I walked away , I could now somewhat , I lived in my own. Hard as it was I did. They arrested her and him within hours, I didn’t realize how much blood was flowing down my head till I passed out with my daughter within 30 feet of a fire department.

motherhood

Preparation or Deprivation

When you are happy it’s great. Pain is a way for some to be happy. Pain is great for some. Pain without love can be their way. Pain as love could be as well.

It was so quiet and no clue if I was alone or they were here as well. I couldn’t see so the sky must have clouds to hide the moon, no single strands of lights peeking through anywhere. I search as I lay here for one. Anything to shine on the wall.

I lay and listen more, there’s no sounds … so it’s night 3 no one has came home. There’s always a water bottle or 3 laying around for me to drink , but the secret is learning how much I can resist the urge to pee. It’s a science I believe in my head to calculate it over time. I have it down. Will come in handy in life I am sure. I also know how long I can go with out moving and how much I need to move so I don’t go numb but also don’t use all my strength.

Some say my life is tragic, that I am not cared for. Maybe my parents are preparing me for a world we don’t know of yet.

motherhood

Why I am so quite

Not sure why, I am wide awake , the flash of cars driving by. That was it , that is why I thought someone walked by. Thankfully it woke me, my arm has fallen asleep and my shoulder is aching. I to move and rub it some. I need some time to move it freely and exercise it. I heard my neighbor earlier knocking and he yelled that he saw me sitting there. He probably assumes that I am just ignoring him , waiting for him to leave or something. God I pray that he knew , that anyone knew. Wait some do know and don’t care. How ? I have never understood.

At school yesterday I got a invitation to a party, I so hope I can go. I won’t ask to take a present or mom to drive. It’s closer than the store that she has me walk to all the time. It’s a sleep over, I wonder how other kids get to spend their nights ? Do they sleep in their bed ? Do they have dinner with people ? Do they sit at a table ? I just want to go and see what others live like. I catch my mom and step dad sitting at the table eating and laughing. I see them leave all the time and come back happy. There has to be a world I am missing.

Bess (my dog) is whining at the door. It’s been a week since I have been allowed to play with her. I never thought my heart could hurt like this, but I am sure it is my heart, I miss my dog. She’s the only friend I have. For years she has been at my side here on the stair case, beside at me night if I cry or just lay there.

I know what I go through is not a 100% normal, I listen to the other girls, they have sleep overs and make cakes and do their nails. My mom would never allow me to paint my nails. I wonder how they come about to do these things ? Why is my mom different or am I different ?

Shhh …. I think they heard the rattle of the handcuffs on the stair rail , I knew I should of been much more quite.

Not sure why, I am wide awake , the flash of cars driving by. That was it , that is why I thought someone walked by. Thankfully it woke me, my arm has fallen asleep and my shoulder is aching. I to move and rub it some. I need some time to move it freely and exercise it.

motherhood

The Stairs

It’s so quiet sitting here alone on the stair case. My arm fell asleep about 20 minutes ago and my hands and fingers tingle. I am not sure what I did, but it must of been bad or upsetting to them, this time I am handcuffed both wrist.

I notice that green line I thought I washed and scrubbed last time they let me go. I was tired just laying there in my bed, finally, and all I could think was about that line I stare at for hours on end. I grabbed my old sock (I didn’t want them to here me come downstairs) and spit on it and rubbed the line for a good 20 minutes last night. I was so sure I had cleaned it off. Now I have another few hours I am sure to sit here handcuff till they return. I wish some how I could scrub it now.

I swear my ass is what’s rubbing a hole or spot in the carpet on these three steps. I wonder how much they put into picking the perfect 3 steps to seclude me ? I can’t see past the wall up or down the stairs, I cannot hear what is happening either. Maybe it’s better I don’t hear or see. A lot of the time I do smell the pork chops or liver and onions cooking. They will take the handcuffs off to make me eat that, I can’t be getting sick and causing more medical bills. I am sure I will get it for rubbing a spot in the carpet on the stairs.

If I still cried I could rub my cheeks and tears and maybe scrub it off. Then again I don’t want to draw attention to anything, I am sure I caused it somehow please don’t lay anymore on me.

I heard talks my older brother is coming to stay. I want someone else around, but I am sure I will do more wrong and she’s so upset when he visits. Maybe I don’t need to see him and they talked of maybe putting me outside on the back stairs to the deck. That wood hurts and scratches me please I hope they don’t. Last time I think a neighbor saw, Family services came and it was so awful when they left it hurt so bad I didn’t sit on the staircase for almost 2 whole days I kinda hovered. Well as you can when you are handcuffed to the railing.

I hate being thirsty if I dare to ask for a drink then I have to wait to pee. Sometimes it’s a few hours before they uncuff me. I thought I heard the door open in the back, but I think it’s paranoia, she was so mad when she left. I haven’t breathed I hope she is not anymore. My head hurts and I am sure that is blood that trickled in my eye. Her rings usually scratch me when she punches me. I feel so tired from sitting here all night, fingers crossed I don’t fall asleep.

motherhood

Wouldn’t trade them for the world.

As I wander through the battlefield of my home, I acknowledge the toddlers have won.

There is string cheese in the drawers , for long who knows . I found a cup of yeah, it was hard inside so I threw that away. I seriously do clean daily – weekly like a normal person. My kids just have this wonderful talent of hiding things to the extreme.

This is all cleaned up and I am turning on the dishwasher as the 3 year old states her tummy hurts. I turn to her and she cries, “Mommy I have to poop!” Pick her up and off to the toilet , is the plan, except the 2nd step resulted in explosive diarrhea. Remember I picked her up – yeah.

Have kids you will love it 😍 Kids are worth it.

motherhood

If I go back to bed and wake again, will it be different ?

She was just trying to escape the day. Looking for quiet some solitude.

The beginning of the day started with a diaper full of pee on my leg wrapped in my blankets. The sheets had just been changed Monday – which lead to a long sigh.

Up and at it. It’s 4:53 AM . As she trudges up the stair case to the kitchen, out of no where the 158lbs Tibetan Mastiff knocks her to the floor. “It’s ok mommy. I kiss it and make it better.” Says the 2 year old who needs a diaper and new pants still.

As I turn to go to the kitchen, I realize the 2 year old has been up for a bit, the front window is wide open. Of course I am just in my underwear and bra. Thank god it’s 5 AM and anyone awake is too tired to look in my window.

Being a mom is so joyous …. gotta clock in and work from home.

motherhood

Best Days Ever

My oldest sons – my other children are out here for a bit over a month ! I am so excited, I missed them like crazy.

They are my men my babies minus the babies I have lol. We went to Barnes and Nobles today and bought Habitat for Humanity, we have been playing Apples for Apples 🍎. Which is fun as hell as well. So do you ever just play board games. Family fun night ever ? Movie or music in in background. Everyone laughing and having a blast ❤️. Habitat for Humanity is fun to play with my 16.5 year old and 18 year old sons and my significant other.

Well I am off to where ever it is I go now. Have a great night and thanks for listening to the ramblings !