motherhood

Never look down upon anyone

YOU ARE HELPING THEM UP ……

I heard these words once and they stuck to me like the slugs in your porch you step on in a Florida bay morning.

I always thought we all were here to help one another. I was taught racism or to look down. I was taught that I wasn’t that important and always should help others. Do unto others …. “ well that did not do much for me.

When I was 17 , I was standing as a adult in my mother’s home holding my not even one year old child in my arms. My mother told me the only person in my life to ever love me died.

My great grandmother was all I knew, all I had. She was gone. The only person I knew that loved me, that wanted to be around me. My great grandma never handcuffed me to the stairs or locked me out side for days. She taught me to cook, to see , to crotchet , she taught me of thing there was called love. I never knew what that was …. I know you question me at this point….. how do I not understand feelings. If you spend your life handcuffed to the middle stair case railing or the basement railing, yelled at for what ever reasons. My great grandmother stood up to my mom , she told my mom that I was to be loved that I was a child. I never understood or thought much of those words till I became older. I honestly thought my house was normal , I never remember going to play or having anyone over. I don’t have birthdays.

My great great grandmother was a American my great great grandfather came to America to visit and fell in love she was one of the few to survive the trek across OK in 1834. She went back to Germany with him and created a family. That came here when I was born.

The ruin of mother’s happiness ended as well the day I was born. I was a object, not a child or baby or human. I was a object my mother used for her own.

I will never be more.

That day I am not sure why but my mom told me in one breath my great grandmother died and the next breath punched me so hard that she knocked me and my daughter I was holding onto the Hutch and split my forehead open.

I walked away , I could now somewhat , I lived in my own. Hard as it was I did. They arrested her and him within hours, I didn’t realize how much blood was flowing down my head till I passed out with my daughter within 30 feet of a fire department.

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