aniexty

What’s Up

Today was a good day, kids were a little hectic … might be a full moon ? My hubby took FMLA so that I could rest up a bit horrid headache and not being able to sleep is killing me. Or dragging me down pretty low. My anxiety with all these riots and hate being spread like wildfire, is through the roof. I cannot even think past this most the time. Maybe some clonazepam’s and a beer and I will stop thinking later. Anxiety meds rock.

I have been lucky to have some help with the anxiety and what depression it brings. Those are both serious diseases, that all people should seek help for. I have dealt with anxiety since the death of my mother. I pass out sometimes it gets so bad. Concussion 1 and concussion 2 and 3. Panic attacks, ugh . One time I cut my head pretty good. Reason 1 and many more that you should seek help with disorders mental or not.

I have started tracking things , such has habits , sleep, food , weed smoking, fountain sodas. Trying to quit sodas, slowly scaling back. I suck at sleep – I get 1.5 hours out – then 2 -3 hours awake. Anyone have these problems ? Solutions PLEASE post in comments I truly appreciate it 🙂 Weed smoking – I need to make sure Indica only and only as needed. I was smoking a bit more than needed I am sure. Don’t need to make it a habit, just a cure. Food : funny thing , I fix it everyday more than once a day too. I make it for my kids, getting them eating then I clean up. I never eat myself. I am making a habit tracker to keep me eating : broke it down by veggies meat milk products. Last but not least books – I love to read. I read as much as I can.

I also started doing these visuals on YOUTUBE , binaural beats. Look them up. Graphics pictures are soothing and mesmerizing, and the music is the best to relax too. I wish that I could get meditation down. Practice makes perfect right ? I will keep it going. Any good meditations that I can follow please post in comments !

aniexty

PTSD

It can happen to anyone. Soldiers that get mad and think civilians can’t ….. well I have seen more death on hand than a lot of soldiers. Not random people either that I don’t know. My loves my mom, my family.

I spent the last week on a “vacation”. I have horrid PTSD, I have some major life problems out of my control. That’s it I can not control it. The out of my control, is horrid. I have always usually had control most what of what happens in life. I mean yeah I don’t control others, but I am use to a scheduled life, family being loving. So yeah major shock.

PTSD :

My vacation has taught me that people just can’t change sometimes or don’t want to. Which I understand that. I didn’t realize that I had to either for a bit. I have learned to choose my battles and to realize I don’t have control or I do.

aniexty, Coronavirus, Kids, Toddlers, Work From Home Life

To believe or to not believe

Let me start with thank you all for the work that you do essential and non essenstial. All work is important, if you choose a career that , you through this path as well , where you will be be near deady diseases and death , welll i am the bitch you choose that field ? Good for you not me. I am grateful for for you, but extra pay extra thanks yeah ….

I beleive the epidimic i blieve there is a disease being passed around.

What do i believe really nothing. There is no proof yet showing that anything is the only real cause of death. Then also i do believe these things happen and are sometimes real i guess we will see. Just like these that are so broad and so full of passion , that cannot hold in all that passion, to see what time plas out is the only sure thing. I kow that I have the means and ways to florish my children 🙂

I think that we worked super hard on some kick ass raised garden beds wood (recycled out of pallets) homemade compost and yard wasting from winter/fall cleaneup . SO recycled and reused

now as for all the seeds we planted and he for some odd reason left outside died, i have a few indoors we wil see what comes of them . i think that i will just replant them all then , he will never know and maybe be happy. The things you do for the ones you love. He did such a awesome job. The work that i have for myself tomorrow is going to be amazing, i ordered and had Joe pick up some more pavers for the yard , I making small sitting area for me (or whomever that would use it. I was going to make a bird house if I could to make out by the end of the yard of some grass to grow there. That would be so great . Well i am off to try and nap this is gong to be my last for a bit, my naps are going bye bye whe i go back to work.

aniexty, Coronavirus

Blame it on the drugs … prescription ones

Children.

Never grow up ?

I was up and out by the time I was 18. Living day to day, with a baby 👶 it can be done people are pathetic now. I though was also made to have a job at 15 to pay my parents. I co up never imagine that of my children. Never did. Now for their own enjoyment – hell yes. I did so much for my kids – my boys are great and I love my daughters more than life itself. I love my granddaughter and my soon to be grandson. He’s due May or June 2020 , of sure yet – or heck I will be honest , she doesn’t speak to me anymore. Might be good ?? I don’t bother her. Still not sure what happened that will be another post.

No matter how you raise someone or treat them you are never going to make a difference.

I love them all more than life itself. Makes this Coronavirus so damn scary.

I left them exactly a year and week ago 1600 miles away. I have tickets purchased and cannot see them to hold them check on them love them. Stupid bans which I know make since but I miss my kids. I need them.

What if I never see them again. What if I never …. that’s my mind.

Which is probably good , since it’s worst out here in the west coast instead of the MidWest.

I definitely don’t want to kill them. Give them anything they might not be exposed too.

I have started out patient full day tele group conference therapy.

I mean who that is loosing one home , one daughter, one son in law, and two beautiful grandchildren , ya know of course who we need therapy.

I don’t think being quarantined though with a 2 year old 3 year old and husband who maybe is 5-8 (he can wipe is own ass). Is not the time to be starting (“testing”) new drugs : KLONOPINS – PROZAC – LEXAPRO , and some other shit for nightmares and sleep.

Wow don’t you wish you were a fly on the wall ?

Or at least able to video – would be hilarious let me say. The mood swings the confinement.

Can I say though our yard is so fucking awesome. We have worked so hard. I have purged so much. Inside and outside- one good thing about the drugs.

I also have worked so hard on setting up a home office.

Let me tell you this shot looks awesome and now I am on short term disability. So it amazes me the amount I can get done.

My other half is on FMLA – yeah sad as shit I can’t stay awake I stumble , I fall, I forget a lot and I moody as SHIT.

My youngest daughter need to have her stuff purged a bit more, but have you ever really tried to purge the toys of a 2 & 3 year first and only grandkids ? Haha yeah I do have it decorated finally OMG that took forever. I need to purge her closet. My lock my self in there today and do that ! How the hell did the 3 year old get the room that is biggest and the closet the size of my master bathroom lol.

Get it done and 3 weeks later damn doing it again. I did get a lot of her clothes purged. She has no shorts – so that’s on my list to buy might go on line and do that now.

Her brother who is barely a year younger is doing well. His dad loves to buy him stuff. I am lucky there one less thing. Madison doesn’t wear diapers anymore so -her pants fit differently.

Wow what a random ass post.

I blame the prescription drugs !

Look forward to more musings – Ohhh !

Pictures too we had a side “gravel drive” poured, I am so damn excited. A place that we can park our cars not in the street ever rain mud snow whatever !!

We got mulch for the front yard now too so it looks good.

Pictures to come of it all !!

aniexty, Coronavirus, motherhood

NO views really

Just such a inquisitive person .

 

As a child i had to “earn the right to hate something” .  Anything that said i hate as a child my mom made me research it, just to make sure I hated it , truly    Sadly i am glad that she made me do that.

When i was  a child my grandpa was drug miles in cornfield through dirt roads and ditches stuck under  combine, he messed him self up good , I hate combines i screamed it,  I did not , I hated what it has done that was it.

combines are useful and helpful and would make the work A LOT harder if we did not have them.

 

 

SO please think about this story   – so much hate and blame in the world think it through  .92353479_10218987198324406_8872621367963418624_o

aniexty, Daughters, Kids, motherhood, Teens

white flag wave

After being a mother for 23 years and 2 relationships later at 42.

I threw the towel in ! Waved the white flag ! Bended my knee. I have asked for helped. For my self for me as a mom and wife.

I have begged for my help myself took advice to help myself ! WTF ! Right. What happened to that tough mom , you will bounce right back. No I don’t think so.

My Tochter (Dutch)is pushing me over the Edge again. It’s a pill hard to swallow or crush

Now the Klono pins are prohibiting the convo – but you will hear it soon stay tuned.


		
aniexty, Coronavirus, Work From Home Life

Tuesday

Is it Taco Tuesday ? I hope it is. I want some margaritas … well of course tacos = margaritas. Great thinking right.

Another beautiful sunny day. Sun is shining so bright – some shits going to happen lol. Like CoroUPmyassvirus isn’t enough. Our city has yet to go on lock down …. we are one of the biggest military hubs in the world … you think that’s why ? Not sure but Denver has …. well they are God right – LMAO 😂.

I do wonder what gets you CD-19 ? I mean why aren’t we all locked down ? I see small states and cities do it. I see huge cities do it but not all the state. I live in Colorado Springs the biggest military hub …. they are letting all those military personell have such a chance of infection. Spreading quicker and easier.

Food for thought. I have to go back to work soon … plan to enjoy my last bit of sun shine on my skin.

aniexty, Kids, motherhood, Sons, Teens, Toddlers

Hey who else

Hello world. It’s me mom. That’s all I know to be called. It’s cool and a lot of women like me go by it. We will use it.

I am mom to many but legally only 5. Strange how you pick so many extras up along the journey but they are the best and I love the ones that my kids call mom too.

I was raised in the far south (Florida) and moved to the middle of the US ughh Farm world and land. From the hustle of beach life lmao yeah I said it. That was a culture shock-16 and discovering racism.

Just a little back drop you will get more as I go. Just want you all to be able to understand this crazy anxiety sometimes very over ridden mother lol ramblings.

Yeah . What did you just step into ? Lol.

Read along subscribe follow however you do this. I use to keep this all private. One day a group of friends asked to start sharing my life on FB and twitter and I said sure …. now they have talked me into a blog I have had forever just never posted.

Like I said grab the rains and hold tight ! Definitely leave me some feedback messages. Like stories what have you !