motherhood

The Stairs

It’s so quiet sitting here alone on the stair case. My arm fell asleep about 20 minutes ago and my hands and fingers tingle. I am not sure what I did, but it must of been bad or upsetting to them, this time I am handcuffed both wrist.

I notice that green line I thought I washed and scrubbed last time they let me go. I was tired just laying there in my bed, finally, and all I could think was about that line I stare at for hours on end. I grabbed my old sock (I didn’t want them to here me come downstairs) and spit on it and rubbed the line for a good 20 minutes last night. I was so sure I had cleaned it off. Now I have another few hours I am sure to sit here handcuff till they return. I wish some how I could scrub it now.

I swear my ass is what’s rubbing a hole or spot in the carpet on these three steps. I wonder how much they put into picking the perfect 3 steps to seclude me ? I can’t see past the wall up or down the stairs, I cannot hear what is happening either. Maybe it’s better I don’t hear or see. A lot of the time I do smell the pork chops or liver and onions cooking. They will take the handcuffs off to make me eat that, I can’t be getting sick and causing more medical bills. I am sure I will get it for rubbing a spot in the carpet on the stairs.

If I still cried I could rub my cheeks and tears and maybe scrub it off. Then again I don’t want to draw attention to anything, I am sure I caused it somehow please don’t lay anymore on me.

I heard talks my older brother is coming to stay. I want someone else around, but I am sure I will do more wrong and she’s so upset when he visits. Maybe I don’t need to see him and they talked of maybe putting me outside on the back stairs to the deck. That wood hurts and scratches me please I hope they don’t. Last time I think a neighbor saw, Family services came and it was so awful when they left it hurt so bad I didn’t sit on the staircase for almost 2 whole days I kinda hovered. Well as you can when you are handcuffed to the railing.

I hate being thirsty if I dare to ask for a drink then I have to wait to pee. Sometimes it’s a few hours before they uncuff me. I thought I heard the door open in the back, but I think it’s paranoia, she was so mad when she left. I haven’t breathed I hope she is not anymore. My head hurts and I am sure that is blood that trickled in my eye. Her rings usually scratch me when she punches me. I feel so tired from sitting here all night, fingers crossed I don’t fall asleep.

aniexty

What’s Up

Today was a good day, kids were a little hectic … might be a full moon ? My hubby took FMLA so that I could rest up a bit horrid headache and not being able to sleep is killing me. Or dragging me down pretty low. My anxiety with all these riots and hate being spread like wildfire, is through the roof. I cannot even think past this most the time. Maybe some clonazepam’s and a beer and I will stop thinking later. Anxiety meds rock.

I have been lucky to have some help with the anxiety and what depression it brings. Those are both serious diseases, that all people should seek help for. I have dealt with anxiety since the death of my mother. I pass out sometimes it gets so bad. Concussion 1 and concussion 2 and 3. Panic attacks, ugh . One time I cut my head pretty good. Reason 1 and many more that you should seek help with disorders mental or not.

I have started tracking things , such has habits , sleep, food , weed smoking, fountain sodas. Trying to quit sodas, slowly scaling back. I suck at sleep – I get 1.5 hours out – then 2 -3 hours awake. Anyone have these problems ? Solutions PLEASE post in comments I truly appreciate it 🙂 Weed smoking – I need to make sure Indica only and only as needed. I was smoking a bit more than needed I am sure. Don’t need to make it a habit, just a cure. Food : funny thing , I fix it everyday more than once a day too. I make it for my kids, getting them eating then I clean up. I never eat myself. I am making a habit tracker to keep me eating : broke it down by veggies meat milk products. Last but not least books – I love to read. I read as much as I can.

I also started doing these visuals on YOUTUBE , binaural beats. Look them up. Graphics pictures are soothing and mesmerizing, and the music is the best to relax too. I wish that I could get meditation down. Practice makes perfect right ? I will keep it going. Any good meditations that I can follow please post in comments !

motherhood

The more you know

Did you know that the human brain does this ? Blocks and binds receptors to make chemicals make your brain needs. Learning about meds and the chemicals in your brain. It’s interesting I will say that confusing. I am currently learning taking switching meds lol. My brain is broken and I need help creating these chemicals. Anyhow you should google your brain in some free time. Interesting what is cannot and can do. What it can recreate, how it can retrain itself. So much.

motherhood

Maybe. Not a good time for a post

This here’s sums my life up



So my sons have a rare blood disorder (yay) CVD19 increases your blood by clotting 60% MORE

My mother I held as she died by a hornet sting. Not a thing I could do for her. We are allergic too. You can only tell by your first sting.
On a good note I have tons of Klonopins (prescribed) and a huge bottle of Rum
In the words cute ass words of my 3 year old
“Eye Eye matey”
Lol

motherhood

What does it mean to you ..

You can take 6 people and 3 words and the meaning can mean 4 different things to eazch person. Body language is key. Atleast for me in life.

I grew up pretty protective of myself , i answer yes or no. I do not really allow probing quetions. Me , so that is simple. If you dont know me by now, I doubt you need to know me, YOU WOULD ANYWAYS LOL.

I have some mental issues I have PTSD and severe anxiety (enough i am fighting for disability). I can leave my house with my kids in the car with me , pass a 911 vehicle and turn around No Matter , i belive they are going to my houe. Really you can lugh.

I know its crazy its ok.

Whats your favorite song, why ? What lyrics or lyric makes the song your fave ? What moment ? I think these stories are the best, please share with me your story .

I promise to share hit comments : )