motherhood

Worthy

I feel most humans need that contact with other humans. I use to crave being away from other humans , I can’t stand all the different ways of being “you”. I distanced myself because I take friendship dear. I am a strange person as well lol. You know you are reading my blog 🤷‍♀️ Seriously though, I am complicated if you don’t like me or know me I am hard to take and still understand. I am worthy of the tolerance you allow though.

Sometimes though you just “fallout”. Even with love and relationships. Currently I love who I am with no one else I love currently, just him. I am though no where near in love with him. Couldn’t even imagine it. I think. Weird realization time. It is what it is. Life is that. You love you hurt you move on.

I am a mom first and foremost that’s always my problem. I should be me, but I am not. I can recognize that fact and most cannot so thumbs up for me. Any others that can see that too. One day it will be me. I have a 2 & 3 year old be a long time lol !

The Covid has brought a lot of time for people to think and get to know themselves and whom they live with. Families become tighter or harder at heart. Big difference spending 24/7 together running hear and doing this and that ….. than spending 24/7 together doing 100% together 24/7.

Makes ya think ….. uh ?

You are welcome.

Anyways that’s my odd thinking of tonight. Enjoy your dreams or days that’s about to begin off to watch some crazy show to give Rene crazy dreams and spawn other odd ramblings of my overanxiousmimd .

motherhood

Mothers Day

So let’s start jealousy is ugly and hateful, but easy to consume you. Hey I am letting it. I am so jealous of all the arrogant assholes that hate their mom and have nothing to do with them …… they will be gone one day. You will want them and that time back. Only lessons teach that.

My mom and my oldest daughter (she died before my last 2 kids). They were best friends. It was so beautiful.

Then she left us all , she was gone is gone.

She will never be again. No more hi 👋 how are you nothing.

Hiking

Tears roll toddler to grandma

Over anxious.

Anytime a doors closes behind me and locks there are tears that rip apart from my eyes in painful silence …. “gotta be a strong one “ …. wipes away takes a deep breath

Swallows unlocks the door to those screaming crying smiling loving faces.

To the husband who says he can never hear a word you say but the moment you mouth the word “mutherfucker” he hears that of course. Still the husbands the whispers like he’s right under the helicopter wings.

Love though is what keeps us together.

That saying is so true.

Please leave me some comments. I need other OVERANXIOUS Anxiety Ridden moms out there to make me feel normal and I know there are some dads too. Get you fingers going in comments.

I am so blessed to live in the most beautiful area.

motherhood

You ever know where some one can be headed with a phrase or how or how long to hold on to see what the ending is ? ……

This is my life I start this, then I move into this, well and then maybe start it try to finish any of it. Which usually ain’t happening lol especially if you know me. I am sure you all have a pile of those those things I do too. I am great spectacular at starting these having the biggest to do finish pile ever. Another mental note to make … I will never remember talk to doctor about remembering meds – I am sure there is one for it there is one for almost anything.

I love my planners I love my journals and calendars and all that’s me. I am on top of it – I got it always going to make it. Never late unless he’s in charge , then of course we are on Joe time lol, that is a joke with all his friends too . I wish his friends would come visit , I don’t know many that well either.

Well this month is “Marked Safe from my PMS”.

Leave me a comment.

Oh you have to have sometime something to say !

aniexty, Coronavirus

Blame it on the drugs … prescription ones

Children.

Never grow up ?

I was up and out by the time I was 18. Living day to day, with a baby 👶 it can be done people are pathetic now. I though was also made to have a job at 15 to pay my parents. I co up never imagine that of my children. Never did. Now for their own enjoyment – hell yes. I did so much for my kids – my boys are great and I love my daughters more than life itself. I love my granddaughter and my soon to be grandson. He’s due May or June 2020 , of sure yet – or heck I will be honest , she doesn’t speak to me anymore. Might be good ?? I don’t bother her. Still not sure what happened that will be another post.

No matter how you raise someone or treat them you are never going to make a difference.

I love them all more than life itself. Makes this Coronavirus so damn scary.

I left them exactly a year and week ago 1600 miles away. I have tickets purchased and cannot see them to hold them check on them love them. Stupid bans which I know make since but I miss my kids. I need them.

What if I never see them again. What if I never …. that’s my mind.

Which is probably good , since it’s worst out here in the west coast instead of the MidWest.

I definitely don’t want to kill them. Give them anything they might not be exposed too.

I have started out patient full day tele group conference therapy.

I mean who that is loosing one home , one daughter, one son in law, and two beautiful grandchildren , ya know of course who we need therapy.

I don’t think being quarantined though with a 2 year old 3 year old and husband who maybe is 5-8 (he can wipe is own ass). Is not the time to be starting (“testing”) new drugs : KLONOPINS – PROZAC – LEXAPRO , and some other shit for nightmares and sleep.

Wow don’t you wish you were a fly on the wall ?

Or at least able to video – would be hilarious let me say. The mood swings the confinement.

Can I say though our yard is so fucking awesome. We have worked so hard. I have purged so much. Inside and outside- one good thing about the drugs.

I also have worked so hard on setting up a home office.

Let me tell you this shot looks awesome and now I am on short term disability. So it amazes me the amount I can get done.

My other half is on FMLA – yeah sad as shit I can’t stay awake I stumble , I fall, I forget a lot and I moody as SHIT.

My youngest daughter need to have her stuff purged a bit more, but have you ever really tried to purge the toys of a 2 & 3 year first and only grandkids ? Haha yeah I do have it decorated finally OMG that took forever. I need to purge her closet. My lock my self in there today and do that ! How the hell did the 3 year old get the room that is biggest and the closet the size of my master bathroom lol.

Get it done and 3 weeks later damn doing it again. I did get a lot of her clothes purged. She has no shorts – so that’s on my list to buy might go on line and do that now.

Her brother who is barely a year younger is doing well. His dad loves to buy him stuff. I am lucky there one less thing. Madison doesn’t wear diapers anymore so -her pants fit differently.

Wow what a random ass post.

I blame the prescription drugs !

Look forward to more musings – Ohhh !

Pictures too we had a side “gravel drive” poured, I am so damn excited. A place that we can park our cars not in the street ever rain mud snow whatever !!

We got mulch for the front yard now too so it looks good.

Pictures to come of it all !!

aniexty, Coronavirus, motherhood

NO views really

Just such a inquisitive person .

 

As a child i had to “earn the right to hate something” .  Anything that said i hate as a child my mom made me research it, just to make sure I hated it , truly    Sadly i am glad that she made me do that.

When i was  a child my grandpa was drug miles in cornfield through dirt roads and ditches stuck under  combine, he messed him self up good , I hate combines i screamed it,  I did not , I hated what it has done that was it.

combines are useful and helpful and would make the work A LOT harder if we did not have them.

 

 

SO please think about this story   – so much hate and blame in the world think it through  .92353479_10218987198324406_8872621367963418624_o