motherhood

The Stairs

It’s so quiet sitting here alone on the stair case. My arm fell asleep about 20 minutes ago and my hands and fingers tingle. I am not sure what I did, but it must of been bad or upsetting to them, this time I am handcuffed both wrist.

I notice that green line I thought I washed and scrubbed last time they let me go. I was tired just laying there in my bed, finally, and all I could think was about that line I stare at for hours on end. I grabbed my old sock (I didn’t want them to here me come downstairs) and spit on it and rubbed the line for a good 20 minutes last night. I was so sure I had cleaned it off. Now I have another few hours I am sure to sit here handcuff till they return. I wish some how I could scrub it now.

I swear my ass is what’s rubbing a hole or spot in the carpet on these three steps. I wonder how much they put into picking the perfect 3 steps to seclude me ? I can’t see past the wall up or down the stairs, I cannot hear what is happening either. Maybe it’s better I don’t hear or see. A lot of the time I do smell the pork chops or liver and onions cooking. They will take the handcuffs off to make me eat that, I can’t be getting sick and causing more medical bills. I am sure I will get it for rubbing a spot in the carpet on the stairs.

If I still cried I could rub my cheeks and tears and maybe scrub it off. Then again I don’t want to draw attention to anything, I am sure I caused it somehow please don’t lay anymore on me.

I heard talks my older brother is coming to stay. I want someone else around, but I am sure I will do more wrong and she’s so upset when he visits. Maybe I don’t need to see him and they talked of maybe putting me outside on the back stairs to the deck. That wood hurts and scratches me please I hope they don’t. Last time I think a neighbor saw, Family services came and it was so awful when they left it hurt so bad I didn’t sit on the staircase for almost 2 whole days I kinda hovered. Well as you can when you are handcuffed to the railing.

I hate being thirsty if I dare to ask for a drink then I have to wait to pee. Sometimes it’s a few hours before they uncuff me. I thought I heard the door open in the back, but I think it’s paranoia, she was so mad when she left. I haven’t breathed I hope she is not anymore. My head hurts and I am sure that is blood that trickled in my eye. Her rings usually scratch me when she punches me. I feel so tired from sitting here all night, fingers crossed I don’t fall asleep.

motherhood

Worthy

I feel most humans need that contact with other humans. I use to crave being away from other humans , I can’t stand all the different ways of being “you”. I distanced myself because I take friendship dear. I am a strange person as well lol. You know you are reading my blog 🤷‍♀️ Seriously though, I am complicated if you don’t like me or know me I am hard to take and still understand. I am worthy of the tolerance you allow though.

Sometimes though you just “fallout”. Even with love and relationships. Currently I love who I am with no one else I love currently, just him. I am though no where near in love with him. Couldn’t even imagine it. I think. Weird realization time. It is what it is. Life is that. You love you hurt you move on.

I am a mom first and foremost that’s always my problem. I should be me, but I am not. I can recognize that fact and most cannot so thumbs up for me. Any others that can see that too. One day it will be me. I have a 2 & 3 year old be a long time lol !

The Covid has brought a lot of time for people to think and get to know themselves and whom they live with. Families become tighter or harder at heart. Big difference spending 24/7 together running hear and doing this and that ….. than spending 24/7 together doing 100% together 24/7.

Makes ya think ….. uh ?

You are welcome.

Anyways that’s my odd thinking of tonight. Enjoy your dreams or days that’s about to begin off to watch some crazy show to give Rene crazy dreams and spawn other odd ramblings of my overanxiousmimd .

motherhood

Maybe. Not a good time for a post

This here’s sums my life up



So my sons have a rare blood disorder (yay) CVD19 increases your blood by clotting 60% MORE

My mother I held as she died by a hornet sting. Not a thing I could do for her. We are allergic too. You can only tell by your first sting.
On a good note I have tons of Klonopins (prescribed) and a huge bottle of Rum
In the words cute ass words of my 3 year old
“Eye Eye matey”
Lol

motherhood

Mothers Day

So let’s start jealousy is ugly and hateful, but easy to consume you. Hey I am letting it. I am so jealous of all the arrogant assholes that hate their mom and have nothing to do with them …… they will be gone one day. You will want them and that time back. Only lessons teach that.

My mom and my oldest daughter (she died before my last 2 kids). They were best friends. It was so beautiful.

Then she left us all , she was gone is gone.

She will never be again. No more hi 👋 how are you nothing.

Hiking

Tears roll toddler to grandma

Over anxious.

Anytime a doors closes behind me and locks there are tears that rip apart from my eyes in painful silence …. “gotta be a strong one “ …. wipes away takes a deep breath

Swallows unlocks the door to those screaming crying smiling loving faces.

To the husband who says he can never hear a word you say but the moment you mouth the word “mutherfucker” he hears that of course. Still the husbands the whispers like he’s right under the helicopter wings.

Love though is what keeps us together.

That saying is so true.

Please leave me some comments. I need other OVERANXIOUS Anxiety Ridden moms out there to make me feel normal and I know there are some dads too. Get you fingers going in comments.

I am so blessed to live in the most beautiful area.

motherhood

You ever know where some one can be headed with a phrase or how or how long to hold on to see what the ending is ? ……

This is my life I start this, then I move into this, well and then maybe start it try to finish any of it. Which usually ain’t happening lol especially if you know me. I am sure you all have a pile of those those things I do too. I am great spectacular at starting these having the biggest to do finish pile ever. Another mental note to make … I will never remember talk to doctor about remembering meds – I am sure there is one for it there is one for almost anything.

I love my planners I love my journals and calendars and all that’s me. I am on top of it – I got it always going to make it. Never late unless he’s in charge , then of course we are on Joe time lol, that is a joke with all his friends too . I wish his friends would come visit , I don’t know many that well either.

Well this month is “Marked Safe from my PMS”.

Leave me a comment.

Oh you have to have sometime something to say !

motherhood, Toddlers

So much drama wrapped up

Let’s be honest about this damn quarantine, my husband goes to the store one more time and returns with snacks only for him. I don’t eat those nasty rolls and butter bars. Maybe that’s the whole plan , then he has all the junk food in the world. Lol hahaha insert evil laugh. Smart man.

It’s going to be hell. I will eat beans and broccoli for a week and since I am so luckily (time he will regret) the one to make the bed tuck in the sheets that will be tight hold in that smell great for him. I will move every few moments to help with the whiff getting back to his nose lmao.

I swear we should get straight jackets lol

So my tin hat friends have me researching …. I always believe in my rights ….. even yours if I don’t support them I still believe they are your rights .

This election the state of the Nation I don’t know what to say.

It seems someone put my 2 and 3 year old up for a debate over empty Easter Eggs. They all end up crying and no one gets what they want.

I can tell you the other shoe shall fall.