motherhood

The Stairs

It’s so quiet sitting here alone on the stair case. My arm fell asleep about 20 minutes ago and my hands and fingers tingle. I am not sure what I did, but it must of been bad or upsetting to them, this time I am handcuffed both wrist.

I notice that green line I thought I washed and scrubbed last time they let me go. I was tired just laying there in my bed, finally, and all I could think was about that line I stare at for hours on end. I grabbed my old sock (I didn’t want them to here me come downstairs) and spit on it and rubbed the line for a good 20 minutes last night. I was so sure I had cleaned it off. Now I have another few hours I am sure to sit here handcuff till they return. I wish some how I could scrub it now.

I swear my ass is what’s rubbing a hole or spot in the carpet on these three steps. I wonder how much they put into picking the perfect 3 steps to seclude me ? I can’t see past the wall up or down the stairs, I cannot hear what is happening either. Maybe it’s better I don’t hear or see. A lot of the time I do smell the pork chops or liver and onions cooking. They will take the handcuffs off to make me eat that, I can’t be getting sick and causing more medical bills. I am sure I will get it for rubbing a spot in the carpet on the stairs.

If I still cried I could rub my cheeks and tears and maybe scrub it off. Then again I don’t want to draw attention to anything, I am sure I caused it somehow please don’t lay anymore on me.

I heard talks my older brother is coming to stay. I want someone else around, but I am sure I will do more wrong and she’s so upset when he visits. Maybe I don’t need to see him and they talked of maybe putting me outside on the back stairs to the deck. That wood hurts and scratches me please I hope they don’t. Last time I think a neighbor saw, Family services came and it was so awful when they left it hurt so bad I didn’t sit on the staircase for almost 2 whole days I kinda hovered. Well as you can when you are handcuffed to the railing.

I hate being thirsty if I dare to ask for a drink then I have to wait to pee. Sometimes it’s a few hours before they uncuff me. I thought I heard the door open in the back, but I think it’s paranoia, she was so mad when she left. I haven’t breathed I hope she is not anymore. My head hurts and I am sure that is blood that trickled in my eye. Her rings usually scratch me when she punches me. I feel so tired from sitting here all night, fingers crossed I don’t fall asleep.

motherhood

Best Days Ever

My oldest sons – my other children are out here for a bit over a month ! I am so excited, I missed them like crazy.

They are my men my babies minus the babies I have lol. We went to Barnes and Nobles today and bought Habitat for Humanity, we have been playing Apples for Apples 🍎. Which is fun as hell as well. So do you ever just play board games. Family fun night ever ? Movie or music in in background. Everyone laughing and having a blast ❤️. Habitat for Humanity is fun to play with my 16.5 year old and 18 year old sons and my significant other.

Well I am off to where ever it is I go now. Have a great night and thanks for listening to the ramblings !

motherhood

Worthy

I feel most humans need that contact with other humans. I use to crave being away from other humans , I can’t stand all the different ways of being “you”. I distanced myself because I take friendship dear. I am a strange person as well lol. You know you are reading my blog 🤷‍♀️ Seriously though, I am complicated if you don’t like me or know me I am hard to take and still understand. I am worthy of the tolerance you allow though.

Sometimes though you just “fallout”. Even with love and relationships. Currently I love who I am with no one else I love currently, just him. I am though no where near in love with him. Couldn’t even imagine it. I think. Weird realization time. It is what it is. Life is that. You love you hurt you move on.

I am a mom first and foremost that’s always my problem. I should be me, but I am not. I can recognize that fact and most cannot so thumbs up for me. Any others that can see that too. One day it will be me. I have a 2 & 3 year old be a long time lol !

The Covid has brought a lot of time for people to think and get to know themselves and whom they live with. Families become tighter or harder at heart. Big difference spending 24/7 together running hear and doing this and that ….. than spending 24/7 together doing 100% together 24/7.

Makes ya think ….. uh ?

You are welcome.

Anyways that’s my odd thinking of tonight. Enjoy your dreams or days that’s about to begin off to watch some crazy show to give Rene crazy dreams and spawn other odd ramblings of my overanxiousmimd .

motherhood

Maybe. Not a good time for a post

This here’s sums my life up



So my sons have a rare blood disorder (yay) CVD19 increases your blood by clotting 60% MORE

My mother I held as she died by a hornet sting. Not a thing I could do for her. We are allergic too. You can only tell by your first sting.
On a good note I have tons of Klonopins (prescribed) and a huge bottle of Rum
In the words cute ass words of my 3 year old
“Eye Eye matey”
Lol

motherhood

What does it mean to you ..

You can take 6 people and 3 words and the meaning can mean 4 different things to eazch person. Body language is key. Atleast for me in life.

I grew up pretty protective of myself , i answer yes or no. I do not really allow probing quetions. Me , so that is simple. If you dont know me by now, I doubt you need to know me, YOU WOULD ANYWAYS LOL.

I have some mental issues I have PTSD and severe anxiety (enough i am fighting for disability). I can leave my house with my kids in the car with me , pass a 911 vehicle and turn around No Matter , i belive they are going to my houe. Really you can lugh.

I know its crazy its ok.

Whats your favorite song, why ? What lyrics or lyric makes the song your fave ? What moment ? I think these stories are the best, please share with me your story .

I promise to share hit comments : )