motherhood

If I go back to bed and wake again, will it be different ?

She was just trying to escape the day. Looking for quiet some solitude.

The beginning of the day started with a diaper full of pee on my leg wrapped in my blankets. The sheets had just been changed Monday – which lead to a long sigh.

Up and at it. It’s 4:53 AM . As she trudges up the stair case to the kitchen, out of no where the 158lbs Tibetan Mastiff knocks her to the floor. “It’s ok mommy. I kiss it and make it better.” Says the 2 year old who needs a diaper and new pants still.

As I turn to go to the kitchen, I realize the 2 year old has been up for a bit, the front window is wide open. Of course I am just in my underwear and bra. Thank god it’s 5 AM and anyone awake is too tired to look in my window.

Being a mom is so joyous …. gotta clock in and work from home.

motherhood

Best Days Ever

My oldest sons – my other children are out here for a bit over a month ! I am so excited, I missed them like crazy.

They are my men my babies minus the babies I have lol. We went to Barnes and Nobles today and bought Habitat for Humanity, we have been playing Apples for Apples 🍎. Which is fun as hell as well. So do you ever just play board games. Family fun night ever ? Movie or music in in background. Everyone laughing and having a blast ❤️. Habitat for Humanity is fun to play with my 16.5 year old and 18 year old sons and my significant other.

Well I am off to where ever it is I go now. Have a great night and thanks for listening to the ramblings !

motherhood

Worthy

I feel most humans need that contact with other humans. I use to crave being away from other humans , I can’t stand all the different ways of being “you”. I distanced myself because I take friendship dear. I am a strange person as well lol. You know you are reading my blog 🤷‍♀️ Seriously though, I am complicated if you don’t like me or know me I am hard to take and still understand. I am worthy of the tolerance you allow though.

Sometimes though you just “fallout”. Even with love and relationships. Currently I love who I am with no one else I love currently, just him. I am though no where near in love with him. Couldn’t even imagine it. I think. Weird realization time. It is what it is. Life is that. You love you hurt you move on.

I am a mom first and foremost that’s always my problem. I should be me, but I am not. I can recognize that fact and most cannot so thumbs up for me. Any others that can see that too. One day it will be me. I have a 2 & 3 year old be a long time lol !

The Covid has brought a lot of time for people to think and get to know themselves and whom they live with. Families become tighter or harder at heart. Big difference spending 24/7 together running hear and doing this and that ….. than spending 24/7 together doing 100% together 24/7.

Makes ya think ….. uh ?

You are welcome.

Anyways that’s my odd thinking of tonight. Enjoy your dreams or days that’s about to begin off to watch some crazy show to give Rene crazy dreams and spawn other odd ramblings of my overanxiousmimd .

motherhood

What does it mean to you ..

You can take 6 people and 3 words and the meaning can mean 4 different things to eazch person. Body language is key. Atleast for me in life.

I grew up pretty protective of myself , i answer yes or no. I do not really allow probing quetions. Me , so that is simple. If you dont know me by now, I doubt you need to know me, YOU WOULD ANYWAYS LOL.

I have some mental issues I have PTSD and severe anxiety (enough i am fighting for disability). I can leave my house with my kids in the car with me , pass a 911 vehicle and turn around No Matter , i belive they are going to my houe. Really you can lugh.

I know its crazy its ok.

Whats your favorite song, why ? What lyrics or lyric makes the song your fave ? What moment ? I think these stories are the best, please share with me your story .

I promise to share hit comments : )

motherhood

Mothers Day

So let’s start jealousy is ugly and hateful, but easy to consume you. Hey I am letting it. I am so jealous of all the arrogant assholes that hate their mom and have nothing to do with them …… they will be gone one day. You will want them and that time back. Only lessons teach that.

My mom and my oldest daughter (she died before my last 2 kids). They were best friends. It was so beautiful.

Then she left us all , she was gone is gone.

She will never be again. No more hi 👋 how are you nothing.

aniexty, Coronavirus

Blame it on the drugs … prescription ones

Children.

Never grow up ?

I was up and out by the time I was 18. Living day to day, with a baby 👶 it can be done people are pathetic now. I though was also made to have a job at 15 to pay my parents. I co up never imagine that of my children. Never did. Now for their own enjoyment – hell yes. I did so much for my kids – my boys are great and I love my daughters more than life itself. I love my granddaughter and my soon to be grandson. He’s due May or June 2020 , of sure yet – or heck I will be honest , she doesn’t speak to me anymore. Might be good ?? I don’t bother her. Still not sure what happened that will be another post.

No matter how you raise someone or treat them you are never going to make a difference.

I love them all more than life itself. Makes this Coronavirus so damn scary.

I left them exactly a year and week ago 1600 miles away. I have tickets purchased and cannot see them to hold them check on them love them. Stupid bans which I know make since but I miss my kids. I need them.

What if I never see them again. What if I never …. that’s my mind.

Which is probably good , since it’s worst out here in the west coast instead of the MidWest.

I definitely don’t want to kill them. Give them anything they might not be exposed too.

I have started out patient full day tele group conference therapy.

I mean who that is loosing one home , one daughter, one son in law, and two beautiful grandchildren , ya know of course who we need therapy.

I don’t think being quarantined though with a 2 year old 3 year old and husband who maybe is 5-8 (he can wipe is own ass). Is not the time to be starting (“testing”) new drugs : KLONOPINS – PROZAC – LEXAPRO , and some other shit for nightmares and sleep.

Wow don’t you wish you were a fly on the wall ?

Or at least able to video – would be hilarious let me say. The mood swings the confinement.

Can I say though our yard is so fucking awesome. We have worked so hard. I have purged so much. Inside and outside- one good thing about the drugs.

I also have worked so hard on setting up a home office.

Let me tell you this shot looks awesome and now I am on short term disability. So it amazes me the amount I can get done.

My other half is on FMLA – yeah sad as shit I can’t stay awake I stumble , I fall, I forget a lot and I moody as SHIT.

My youngest daughter need to have her stuff purged a bit more, but have you ever really tried to purge the toys of a 2 & 3 year first and only grandkids ? Haha yeah I do have it decorated finally OMG that took forever. I need to purge her closet. My lock my self in there today and do that ! How the hell did the 3 year old get the room that is biggest and the closet the size of my master bathroom lol.

Get it done and 3 weeks later damn doing it again. I did get a lot of her clothes purged. She has no shorts – so that’s on my list to buy might go on line and do that now.

Her brother who is barely a year younger is doing well. His dad loves to buy him stuff. I am lucky there one less thing. Madison doesn’t wear diapers anymore so -her pants fit differently.

Wow what a random ass post.

I blame the prescription drugs !

Look forward to more musings – Ohhh !

Pictures too we had a side “gravel drive” poured, I am so damn excited. A place that we can park our cars not in the street ever rain mud snow whatever !!

We got mulch for the front yard now too so it looks good.

Pictures to come of it all !!